62nd post

my malaise

March 23rd 2007 -
Malaise and Malay are spelt differently but sound the same. I think I got chronic malay malaise...A couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep, so I went downstairs to watch CNN. What I caught was a coffeehouse discussion on American GIs back from Iraq, who are now actively anti war, and since that day, it's disturbed me a LOT. These were men and women who stood and fought for their country and believed they were doing the right thing. They have brought home with them the truth of the war in Iraq and what American soldiers were asked to do. 'Dishonerable Duty' was a catchphrase that I heard a lot in this CNN special report.

These vets are now actively campaigning to bring back American troops and to stop their government from sending more troops over to Iraq.

What disturbed me wasn't so much the hype. Yes, the war disturbs me, but what disturbed me more was that all these people, mostly younger than me, have a real purpose in their lives, and they're doing something to make a change. They believe in something. At the moment, I am sorely lacking a belief in anything and a real purpose in my life. When you think about the many contributions individuals and groups are making for positive change in the world, you tend to wonder, "For what the f*** am I here?". I am truly depressed just thinking about it.

And I was depressed about (Al Gore's) The Inconvenient Truth for the fact that even if I did change all my lightbulbs for energy saving ones and my fuel guzzling car for a battery operated model, my neighbours are still going to be driving their Nissan Muranos and Mercedes SLKs, or Proton Sagas and Kia Rios, for that matter. Would it matter? Would it even make a difference? Should one even bother????????! It's like, all the things that frustrate you about our country that you cannot voice for [fear] of getting hauled into jail, people in power who are not accountable for the things they say and do, policies that do not take into account basic human rights...all these lah. I was thinking, not that I want to be a hero or anything, but if I want to make a difference, in my own little way, shouldn't I SAY something? Hello? But...but....(stammering)...I'm just (basically)...a suburban housewife! Do I even have anything to be upset about? Then I thought, perhaps a younger more idealistic Shazmin would be out there making a difference, lending a voice and lobbying for change in THIS country....instead of chasing the almighty dollar to pay off a mortgage, car and student loans and private schooling for the next generation. Ai yaa...typical lah. I admire the heck out of Malaysian filmmaker Amir Muhammad for his stand and belief in making things real. Despite the bollocks he is constantly faced with from the censorship board, he remains true to his calling and vision. I hope his next project actually gets a public airing (the 1998 street protests in KL), as it is contemporary and happened in our day and age. C'mon, we were there lah. So, Amir Muhammad, Citizen Nades (for speaking out) and Matt Howard and the gang at IVAW (Iraq Veterans Against the War)...I'm not you, but I wish I were a little bit more like you.

http://www.ivaw.org/